It's Enough
by Remma
Summary: What if Christian had never revealed the graffiti on the wall?
1. Chapter 1

It's Enough.

Chapter 1

Not enough. He was not enough. The first, the only, person in the world that he absolutely, totally loved, thought he wasn't enough. How do you deal with that? He knelt on the floor, eyes closed, remembering. This was where they had lain, on this very spot only days earlier. The love between them so strong it took his breath away. He had given Syed every opportunity to leave. Had even told him to go. But Syed hadn't. He had stayed. Stayed here with him, in spite of the family waiting for him back home. Was he wrong to have taken that as a promise? Didn't that perfect moment mean anything to Syed? Obviously, not enough. _He was not enough. _God.

He opened his eyes to the emptiness. How could Syed understand him so little, that he could suggest an affair? Did he really think that Christian had so little self-respect that he would sit around at home waiting until Syed felt like giving him some attention? The crumbs from his table. Was that really all he was worth? He should have gone. The moment he found out about the baby, he should have packed his bags and left. He should never have allowed Syed to sway him with empty words. He got up, wandering into the bedroom. He stared at the wall, seeing the words he knew lay beneath. What if everyone could see them? What would Syed do then? How would he wriggle out of that one?

Abruptly angry, he strode forward, reaching for the corner of the paper, then stopped. Oh god, what was he doing? What had Syed driven him to? This wasn't him. But then, he hadn't been himself for so long. Hiding in his flat. hiding his love. Hiding _himself._ He had allowed Syed to shove him back in the closet. Well, no more. He needed to reclaim his soul. But he couldn't do it here. Not with Syed playing happy families across the square. Because as long as he stayed here, it would never be over. He knew Syed. He'd be back, telling Christian that he loved him, but he had to understand, he couldn't abandon Amira and his baby. Not now, anyway. And he would give in. He knew himself, too, and he knew he could never resist Syed.

So, he couldn't stay. Not now. It scared him, what he had so nearly done. What he still wanted to do. Syed would never make a decision, so it was up to him to make one for the both of them. This had to end. It was enough now.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

There was no baby. It was all for nothing. He had horribly hurt Christian and it was for _nothing. How _could Amira not have taken a test before telling everyone she was pregnant? Who did that? And now she was crying, and he was lying. Again. Oh god, what was he going to do? Try again? Had he really said that? Could he? No, he couldn't. No way. Not after being with Christian again. He could never do that to him. He couldn't betray him like that. He had thought it was done. Amira was pregnant, and he didn't have to touch her anymore. But now she was going to expect them to keep trying, and he just _couldn't._

He had to tell her. It was the only way. This couldn't go on. He took a deep breath, distraught with the knowledge that he was about to break his wife's heart.

"Amira, I love you." He paused, at a loss as to how to go on. This was unbearable.

"Then prove it."

"What?"

Then she was standing, grabbing his hands and pulling him up.

What are you doing?"

"You said we could try again. Let's do that."

What, _now_? She expected him to…_now_? "What about the guests?

"They won't come until we phone. Syed, please, I really need you to be with me. Now."

Now they were in the bedroom, and her hands were on him. Pulling at his clothes. No, this was wrong, it should be him. _His_ hands. Not her. He loved her, he really did, but he could _never_ want _this_ with her. He looked to the wall, could still see what was written under the paper.

He grabbed her hands, held her away. "No."

"Syed, what's wrong? Please, you said you loved me. Please, I need you."

"No, I'm sorry. I can't. I wish I could give you what you want, but I just…can't. I'm so sorry."

"But I don't understand? What have I done wrong? I've tried so hard to be a good wife to you? Why don't you want me?"

Oh god, what had he done to this woman? All he had wanted was to keep everyone happy, and this is what it had led to.

"Amira, you've done nothing wrong. You're amazing; beautiful."

"Then what?"

"I'm gay, Amira. I'm so sorry. I'm gay."

She pulled away, shaking her head. "No. No, you can't be. Why are you saying these things? Stop it."

He grabbed her wrists, trying to still the violent shudders that wracked her body.

"I'm sorry, but it's true."

She shook her head in denial. "No. We're _married_."

"In name, yes."

"No, in everything. You're my husband. We share a bed."

"Where I can't even…"

"Stop it!" She was screaming now, sobbing, clinging onto him. "It's not true. It's not true. No, it can't be. I won't believe it."

"Amira, please, you have to listen to me. I'm _gay_. Surely you mast have at least suspected?"

"No, no, how could I? It was _all_ a lie? All of it? Have you never wanted me?"

"Amira, I love you, I do."

"Then you can't be gay. You're confused. That's what it is. But it's okay. We'll sort it out. We can make it work."

"You can't mean that."

"Why not? We're married. Please. Let me try. I'll be better. I can make you happy."

"Amira, I'm _gay. _I'm sorry_. _I can't live like this anymore. I wish I could be what you want, but I can't be. Not ever."

"And what about your parents? Do you really want them to find out?"

"They already know."

She pulled away from him, mouth falling open in shock. She put her hands over her mouth, stifling the keening wails that fought to escape. She moaned, then turned and ran.

Syed dropped to his knees, face in his hands. It was done. Oh Christian, it was so bad. He sobbed, every cell of his body yearning for Christian's touch. His voice. The comfort only Christian could give. He pulled out his phone with trembling hands, hit Christian's number, waited anxiously. Why wasn't he answering? Voicemail? He didn't want _voicemail_. He wanted _Christian_. He pushed himself up, ran, pounded on Christian's door. Where was he? Didn't he know how much Syed needed him?

He pushed his hands through his hair. What was he supposed to do? Oh god, it wasn't supposed to happen like this. What was Amira saying to his parents? He looked longingly at Christian's door, willing him to miraculously appear. But he didn't. He had to go home, find out what was happening. How had this all gone so wrong?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

He put his phone away with a sigh. It broke his heart ignoring the calls from Syed, but he couldn't allow himself to be sucked back in. He realised now that Syed would never make the decision to tell Amira the truth, and he couldn't face the lying anymore. If he turned back now, then it would go on and an endlessly. The promises, the backtracking, the eternal swing from hope to despair. No, it was enough. This was the right, the only, decision.

He should have gone to see Jane though. Lucy, Peter and Bobby, too. Even Ian. Then there was Roxy and Amy. He owed them all a proper goodbye. The least, the very _least_ he should have done was call to let them know he was leaving.

But he couldn't do it. Couldn't face the concern. The questions. They would try and persuade him to stay, and, because the thought of leaving Syed was so completely soul destroying, he would have let himself be persuaded. He had to be strong. Be selfish. He had to go.

He would send a text saying he was gone and would be in touch once he knew where he would be living. Jane could forward his things on to him. He need never go back to the square again. Need never see Syed again. The pain twisted his gut, a rat gnawing at his heart. He pushed it down ruthlessly. He couldn't think of Syed. Not yet. It was all still too raw. Maybe it always would be, but he had to al least try to move on with his life.

He stood as he heard his flight being called, striding determinedly towards the gate.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Where was all the screaming? He had expected to come home to total mayhem, but there was nothing. No shouting, no hysterical wife, no accusing parents. Just the party guests eating and talking and having a good time. Had Amira not come back here after all? But where else could she go?

Oh god, bloody Bushra, what did _she_ want? He pasted a smile to his face as his mother's interfering friend descended upon him.

"Syed, how dreadful. Poor Amira. She must be devastated."

The smile vanished as he stared at her in horror. "What?" Oh god, had Amira told her? No, that was impossible. She was still smiling, in that annoying, condescending way of hers. All false sympathy and secret glee for another's misfortune. No, if she knew the truth, there would be more yelling and arm waving. This had to be about something else, but what?

"Yes, it's terrible. She's very upset."

"You know, my cousin is a plumber. I could give you his number."

A Plumber? What? "Uh, no, that's fine."

"Are you sure? He has very reasonable rates, and he could be here in an hour."

"No, it's fine, thank-you. Everything's under control. I should probably go and, uhm, tell Amira that everything's, uh, fine. You don't happen to know where…?"

"She's in the kitchen with your parents."

Finally, the woman was useful. "Right, thanks, I'll just, uh…" He waved to the closed kitchen door, backing away from her.

Three sets of eyes turned to stare reproachfully at him as he entered, Amira's awash with tears, his parents' full of resentment. He swallowed hard.

"I had to tell her."

"You swore to us that this nonsense was over and done with, now _this_?"

His father's anger scorched him, filling him with self-loathing. "I _had _to tell her."

"Well, it's done now." Rubbing his face with his hands, his father looked sadly at Amira. "Right, we all know the situation. We only found out a few days ago, Amira, and we will deal with this. What matters is that you're married and you love each other."

"That's the way it's going to stay. It's in everyone's best interests, including your's." His mother was looking at him, waiting anxiously for his response."

He nodded to her. "I agree. For today at least, we should say nothing. For Amira's sake we should keep up the pretence, and then when everyone's gone, we can talk again properly." Really, what else could they do?

"Just a stay of execution then? I'm so grateful."

She _couldn't_ want to stay in the marriage, not when she knew he was gay, could she? "What, you want twenty more years of _this_?"

"I just want my husband to love me like a man should love his wife."

Well, duh! "You think _I_ don't want that too?"

"Not enough." Amira's bitterness tore into him, as his father tried to keep calm.

"Okay, can we save tomorrow's arguments for tomorrow? Now for today, we are as we appear. "

Oh god, _more_ lies.

"We hand out food and we give out drinks, and you remember that those people in there wish you nothing but happiness."

Syed nodded unhappily. Oh god, where was Christian? If only he could talk to him, this would all be so much more bearable. But what choice did he have? His father was right. What was done, was done. Now he had to get through it as best he could. The sooner this party was over, the sooner he could see Christian


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Why wasn't anyone leaving? They'd been told that visiting the new flat was off, which was the reason for the party in the first place, so shouldn't they have started going home by now? But of course, he couldn't be that lucky. Not him. With his luck, they'd probably make a night of it and end up staying for breakfast. This was torture. Passing around samosas and sweets when all he wanted was to get out of here and go find Christian.

He _really_ needed to see Christian. He had looked so sad when Syed had left him in the flat. He needed to find him, tell him that it was done. That Amira knew, and tomorrow it would all be over and they could be together properly. Well, maybe not _right_ away. It would be disrespectful to Amira if he moved in with Christian before the dust had even settled. But soon. They would be together soon. Just thinking that warmed his heart, lessening the torment of this interminable party.

He reached into his pocket for his phone, and then noticed his mother's eyes, watching him. Judging him. He sighed. No, he couldn't call, not yet. He hadn't even been able to get close to Jane so he could find out if she knew where Christian was. Every time he headed her way with one of his trays, his mother would get there first, warning him away. Why couldn't she be useful, and suggest that people start going home? Didn't his parents realise how intolerable this situation was. Not just for him, but for Amira, too?

Oh god, Amira. What had he done to her? Looking around, he saw her, standing lost and alone in a sea of people. She looked…destroyed. The guilt tore at him, propelling him towards her.

"Amira?"

She turned agonised eyes to him, shaking her head, arms wrapping around her stomach. "I can't do this."

Syed reached for her, rubbing her arm, but she pulled away from him.

"I can't _breathe_; I have to get _out _of here."

"Okay, why don't you go and lie down. I'll tell them you're upset about the flat, and…"

She gave a hysterical laugh, backing away from him.

"Amira, _please_."

Syed saw his mother hurrying towards him, but Quadim was there first, holding Amira by the shoulders, looking at her in concern. "Amira, what is wrong? Has someone upset you?"

She started to cry, hands covering her face. Then his mother was there, taking her from Quadim and comforting her. But Amira wouldn't be comforted, only crying harder. They were surrounded now, the party silent as everyone witnessed his wife's disintegration. Vultures. He saw Jane, her worried eyes fixed on him, questioning. He gave her a tiny nod, confirming what she had guessed, then returned his attention to Amira.

His mother was talking to her quietly, trying fruitlessly to calm her, as Quadim continued to demand answers.

He felt useless. He couldn't even touch Amira for fear she would flinch away, and then how would he explain that? Finally, his mother's soothing word seemed to be having some effect, Amira's sobs lessening. Quadim stroked Amira's hair, naturally wanting to know what had upset his daughter so badly, a question whose answer his mother wanted kept from him at all costs. She tried to lead Amira away, but Amira wouldn't move, seeming confused.

His mother gave her a little tug, wanting to get her moving. "Come, Amira. You should rest. This upset is not good for the baby."

It was the wrong thing to say. Amira pulled away from her, the hysteria back, full force.

This time, Quadim wouldn't denied. He took his daughter in his arms, holding her tightly as she clung to him.

"Amira, my daughter, what has happened?"

"There is no _baby_. There was never _was_ a baby. It was all a mistake. Stupid, stupid me. I couldn't even get _that_ right." She broke down completely, her legs giving way and only her father keeping her standing.

His father had joined them and was looking at him in confusion. "Syed, what does she mean, there's no baby."

"She means there's no baby, Dad. She thought she was, but then she took a test and it was negative."

His father looked stunned. "She didn't take a test before she told us all?"

Before he could answer, Amira pulled away from her father, turning to glare at him. "No, _she_ didn't. Because _she's_ just a stupid girl who doesn't know _anything_. Stupid, stupid, _stupid_. That's what you think, isn't it Syed? I deserve all I get because I'm too _stupid_ to see what's going on around me."

Aghast, Syed stared at her, trying to find the right words. "Amira, I…"

"And do you know what, I'm _glad _there's no baby. I never wanted one in the first place, but you persuaded me that it was the right thing for us, and I _believed_ you. How could you _do_ that? When all the time you _knew_? How _could_ you Syed?"

He was horrified. All he could do was stare at her. He could feel his mother's fear as she once again reached for Amira, trying to keep her quiet. "It doesn't matter, Amira. You are both young. You can try again."

Amira turned the accusing glare from him to his mother. "Are you _serious_? You want us to bring an innocent child into this mess?"

"What _mess_?" Quadim demanded. "_What_ is going on here? Syed, what does my daughter mean?"

"Tell him, Syed. Go on, tell them all." Amira's angry glare was back on him, and not just hers. They were all looking at him. Everyone. Syed felt as though he was standing in the eye of the storm, devastation all around him, waiting to be unleashed. This was it. The time to make the most important decision of his life. Did he tell the truth, or did he lie. Again. Taking a deep breath, he lifted his head, looking from Amira, to Quadim, his parents, around at the puzzled guests.

"She means that I'm gay. I'm gay, and the marriage is a travesty


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Breathing hard he kept his eyes on Amira, not daring to look around at the party guests for fear of what he might see. Then his mother was grabbing him, shaking him, so angry at him.

"Tell them it's not true, Syed. You are both upset because there is no baby. That is all. _Tell_ them."

"I _can't_ Mum. I can't lie anymore. I'm sorry."

"No, this isn't you. You're my good boy. This can't be you. It's him. _That man_. He's poisoned you, forced you to be something you're not. You have to stop listening to his _lies_. I am your mother. I know who you are, and you are not…_this_. Now tell all our friends that this is a mistake so we can get on with the party."

"Mum!" Concerned, Syed looked to Amira; saw the question in her face. Oh no, she was starting to put it all together. The _one_ thing he had never wanted her to know. Bad enough for her to know he could never be the husband she deserved, but to know, too, that he had betrayed her with one of her only friends? It was too much. She should have been spared this, at least.

She was shaking her head, disbelieving. "What man? Syed? What man?"

"Amira, please, I…"

"_What man_!"

He couldn't say it, Couldn't tell her. _Why_ couldn't his mother keep quiet, just once? As it turned out, he didn't need to say a word, because she knew. Maybe, deep down, she had always suspected.

"Christian. Oh god, it's Christian, isn't it?"

"Amira…"

"I should have known. He's always wanted you."

"No, it's not…"

"I've seen the way he looks at you, but I never thought he would go low enough to try to take you from me. I _trusted_ him. _Confided _in him. And he used what I told him to take advantage of you."

"_No_. it wasn't like that. He wouldn't. It wasn't his fault, Amira. It was…"

"How dare you defend him to _me, _after what he's done?"

"But he's done _nothing_. It's me. Amira. _Me_ you should blame, not him. This is _my_ fault, not his."

"No, he knew you were married, and still he went after you."

"But I wasn't when…"

"What? What do you mean, you weren't? How long has this been going on?"

Again, Syed couldn't answer. The truth would destroy her, and to lie would destroy him.

As it turned out, no answer was necessary, as Quadim lunged for him, picking him up bodily and hurling him into the wall. He collapsed on the couch as his father and Tamwar rushed to hold Quadim back. Amira was wailing in his mother's arms, and Jane…Jane was coming to him, taking his hand and offering support. He wished he could tell her how much he appreciated it, but right now, words were beyond his ability.

"You see Amira, I warned you about marrying this…_abomination_!" Quadim was ranting, still trying to break free and get at Syed.

His mother let go of Amira, and for a moment, he thought that she was coming to defend him, but instead, she pulled at Jane, forcing her away from him. "You, why are you here? Do you see how that perverted brother of yours had ruined my son? My family? Did you come here to gloat? Go now, get out of my house."

Jane looked apologetically at him, pressing a hand to his shoulder as she left.

Amira shrieked. Tearing at her hair as she fled from the room, Quadim pulling free and racing after her.

For a moment, no-one dared move, or even make a sound, then, quietly, the guests started to file from the room, until only his family were left.

He stood, moving to the other side of the room, turning to face his brother and his parents. This was it. No more running and no more hiding. He was done with that now. He had just brought an end to the only life he had ever known. Now, it was time to find out what would replace it.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

God, the silence was worse than shouting. "Someone, _say_ something."

His mother glared at him. "What you want us to _comfort_ you?"

"No, I…"

"We're _ruined_, Syed. You've _destroyed_ us. Who's going to buy any of our food? Who's going to hire us for any kind of function now that you're, now that the food is being prepared by…"

Abruptly angry, he turned on her. "By _what_? Go on."

But she didn't. It was his father who calmly spoke the words that broke his heart. "By a tainted, sinful family. Don't try and claim any self-righteousness, not when we're paying the price for it."

Well, that was it, then. He was to be outcast. "Then I'll go. Leave. You can tell everyone you threw me out in disgust. Cleanse this house again. Make our business pure."

"If only we could."

And there was his mother getting in another dig. Of course. All his fault. Not like _she _would ever take any responsibility for forcing the fiasco that his marriage had become. It would serve her right if he told them all how deeply she was involved, but before he could speak, his father's condemnation continued.

"The stain you have left on this family is indelible. Don't pretend you thought otherwise. These are the consequences of your actions."

Well, of _course_ he had known the outcome of his actions. Why did his father think he had kept things quiet for so long? He had tried and tried to protect them form his nature, but in the end, he had failed. The lies upon lies had become intolerable, and he had broken.

"I thought it was really brave. What he did. As long as we've still got each other."

Shocked, Syed turned to his brother. Well, he had never expected that. Who knew that of them all, Tamwar would be the one to understand. He smiled at him, reaching out to grip his arm. "I've got you. Don't let them down like I have."

He started to leave, but his mother's anguished wail stopped him. "But _why? _I thought it was over. You _told _us it was over. What did he do to make you change your mind? How could you put _that man_ before your family?"

"I _didn't_. It wasn't him Mum. He wasn't even there. It was _me_. Why will you never understand that? This is about _me_. About who _I_ am. I love Christian, but this is my choice, not his."

"Why now, Syed? You could have at least waited until after the party. Why did you have to be so selfish?"

Syed stared at his father in shock. Selfish? "Selfish? Are you serious? I already gave up the man I loved to try to please you all once, and I was prepared to do it again, until I realized what I was doing to Amira. I thought it was just me that was suffering, but it wasn't. I was destroying her, too."

His father seemed confused. "I don't understand. Why would she suffer? I thought you loved her? You _said _that you loved her."

"I do, but it's not…it's different."

"Different _how_?"

Syed shrugged helplessly at his father. How could he make him understand? "Dad, I…Amira is wonderful. She's beautiful, funny, just lovely. She's everything I know I should want, but I don't. I just…don't. I love her, but…Dad, when she told me she wasn't pregnant, all I could think was that I'd hurt Christian for nothing. That it was all for _nothing_. Then, she was so sad. Not just because of the baby thing, but because she _knew_ I didn't feel what I should for her. And she thought it was _her_ fault. This wonderful, beautiful woman thought she wasn't good enough because I couldn't be attracted to her. I tried to make her feel better, told her I loved her, but she wanted proof. Wanted me to _show_ her that I wanted her, there and then. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie anymore. I couldn't cheat her anymore. I couldn't deprive her of the kind of love she deserves but that I can never give her. So, I told her the truth. I _had_ to Dad. I'm sorry. I know what I've done to this family, but I just _couldn't do it anymore_."

"You could have, if it wasn't for _that man_."

Exasperated, Syed turned to his mother. Would she _never_ hear him? "How many times, Mum. _It wasn't Christian. _I love Christian, and I want to be with him, but I did this for _me_."

"Huh, Christian. Typical."

Syed turned to Tamwar with wide eyes at his muttered comment. Was Tamwar turning on him now, too? "Tam?"

Embarrassed, Tamwar shrugged. "Well, I just meant, you know, before you always got the best girls and now that you're gay, you land _Christian _straight off the bat. It's just so typically you."

Syed laughed. Only Tam would come out with something like that. God, he loved his brother. Unfortunately, his parents were not amused, both giving poor Tamwar a filthy look that made him gulp apprehensively.

Sadly, Syed headed for the door. This was it. It really was over now. Oh god, where was Christian? He needed him _so_ badly.


End file.
